I am incredibly self-conscious about myself. Always have been. People look at me and typically see a seemingly confident person. The truth is, I never think I am doing anything right, especially when dating. Am I wearing the right clothes? Why is my face breaking out like this? Can she tell that she is way out of my league and should not be with me right now? Should I explain that to her and take her back and thank her for her time? Does she hate guys with tight pants? All I own are tight pants! Is there something in my teeth? Crap, my shoes are squeaking, I really hope she doesn’t think the squeaks are really on-tempo farts. Can she tell I lift when I wear this shirt? Does it hug my arms good enough? Should I overcompensate and talk about how much I love the gym? I am so scared. Can she tell I’m scared? I need a hug. But wait, is that too forward?
I kind of feel like I am broken at times, like I wasn’t made right or something. I work hard to appear cool and interesting, and then I get ghosted and I am like… “Hi, I am sorry I ruined your life with my presence.” LOLZ…. Sigh… So then you jump back on Tinder and swipe your life away while watching Netflix…. but not really watching Netflix cuz you gotta find your eternal bae. And oh ya. You bet your bottom I try to strategically organize the photos in which they will be seen. “Okay, so this is a good first picture cuz it shows my smile and that will tell them I am a happy person. But the next one really needs to be me with a dog to add variety and the fact that girls love dogs! All of the memes on the internet tell me so. Oh and something adventurous so they don’t assume I watch Netflix all day! Which I totally do, but I gotta SEEM adventurous!” *one week later “Hmm… Not a lot of matches… There must be something wrong with my picture formula! No chance it is me. It was the order in which I placed them!”
We live in this dating world where you go on a million dates and don’t click with anyone, and the ones you end up really really liking end up destroying your heart, punching it in the face, stomping on it, and then sending it in a spaceship to some unknown planet that then gets blown up by an alien ship. So, eventually you just become jaded and then everyone around you that is in a relationship is telling you that you are single because you are just soooooo picky. Cuz like. It’s your fault duh.”Just pick someone and love them! It’s not hard!” Oh? I am? Okay. Cool. You’re right. But you are taking way too long to decide what to eat at the drive-thru so maybe you should just order a packet of ketchup and we can be on our way? Shut up person. The only reason you are in a relationship is because you got lucky. Not because you have all of the answers. *drops the mic
So, here’s the thing. I have no idea what I am doing. But I am not too convinced that anyone does. Not even you, self-righteous annoying perfect Instagram relationship know-it-all couple *barf (jk I love you and your happiness… I am just super jealous). I am awkward. I hate dating. It scares the living daylights out of me and gives me anxiety and I just want someone to love me and for me to love them back. But somehow I gotta do it! We all have to do it. I mean… You don’t have to. I’m not making you do anything. Just a suggestion.
So, here’s what I propose. Let’s all be a little more kind to each other. Life is hard. It’s harder for the awkward single people scared of real communication and time away from Netflix. It’s hard to open up. It’s hard to be real. But let’s give it a shot? Let’s be confident in the fact we are awkward. And then let’s try to find more ways to be truly confident and love ourselves!
I am nowhere near perfect. But I try so hard to find new reasons to be grateful, and new reasons to love who I am. Hey you reading this, YOU are unique! Maybe you don’t like the way you look in the mirror, but someday someone will! They will love your awkwardness. They will love you for no other reason other than the fact that you are YOU. How wonderful is that? Every single person you date will not work out except the one that does. Okay, that doesn’t sound too great. But hey! I’m in this too!
Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Love yourself, love the process, and grow. You aren’t perfect, no one is. Not even your really hot date that you think is out of your league is perfect. I honestly don’t know why you are still single. Shoot, I have been single for what? 7 years? 8 years? I don’t really remember at this point. But I know loving who I am is important. Growing is important. Helping others is important. There is more to your worth than the person next to you on that square photo on instagram getting all kinds of likes because you are #RelationshipGoals.
As you take on a new year as a single human, maybe make a resolution to be a less miserable single human (I am a super dramatic annoying miserable single human, so I am mostly talking to myself). A single human that accepts their flaws and strives to become better and more loving to themselves! I know, it’s hard. But your happiness depends on it. You either let yourself be miserable, or you try and find the good in life whether you are in a relationship or not!
Be forgiving of yourself. These things take time, and not everyone is on the same timeline. Always look for ways to serve others. Always take the time to spend by yourself in a meaningful way. And next time you are on a date with someone super awkward, maybe give them another shot 😉
Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a sexy beast because you ARE, you know you are, I know you are, and everyone knows you are. Now get out there and make it happen in 2017 and always!
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