Not Worthy of Marriage

Not Worthy of Marriage

I finally have something to write about. Today I felt very strongly to post something on the subject of marriage. Maybe it’s for someone out there, or maybe it’s just for me to be able to think through my thoughts and process my feelings.

More recently has certainly been one of the most faith challenging moments of my life. Not too long ago, I had a young lady from the Cape Verde Islands reach out to me about some of her struggles, and what a strong soul she was. She said, “I’ve been feeling dejected, no enthusiasm at all in doing things… Even my faith has suffered a huge blow and I feel myself distancing myself from God.” At the time, I didn’t really have anything profound to say, other than just some words of encouragement. The truth is, we all have these times of weakness. Some may experience it longer than others. Something very strongly related to this with young single adults is marriage… The “M” word. We feel weak, like we aren’t worthy of something so great like a temple marriage.

I’ll be the first one to say I have things I have done in my past that I am not proud of. Things that have caused me to have very insecure feelings, and thinking I would never be worthy to a woman who wanted to get married in the temple. On top of that I have also had a VERY difficult past. I have gone through hard things that have made me feel like no one would ever want to take me on in a relationship because it’s just too heavy. I mean, how do you meat someone you really like.. And then tell them all of this stuff hoping they will actually stick around?  We usually don’t, because it’s scary as heck. We usually push away these great people and do something else… Have tons and tons of flings that lead absolutely nowhere productive… But we like it for that reason… And it temporarily fills a gaping void, so maybe we don’t have to feel so completely alone and worthless for that moment in time.

Well, you are not worthless. In fact, as a human being, you have infinite worth to our Heavenly Father. So, if we have so much worth, why do we feel so bad about our mistakes and our trials? Why can’t we let someone close? Why are we so scared that we will be judged upon our past rather than the great person that is right in front of them? This is something I have personally been trying to work very hard at to overcome. I have to really remember the healing power of the atonement. We aren’t not meant to be beaten up, scarred people the rest of our lives. We are meant to grow.. We are meant to mess up.. We are meant to repent and allow the atonement to work within us. And so it goes for our relationships.

To keep things simple, my recent hopes and dreams came to a speeding halt. I was SOOOOO confused about what to do with my life now. So, I got to thinking.. Praying.. you know. That kind of stuff. I realized that ever since I came home from my mission I have not allowed anyone to come close to me because I knew I wanted to move to another state after graduation, and let’s be honest.. Felt completely unworthy of something so great. In no way had I been trying allowing myself to become a better person to be a husband one day. I was completely selfish and just wanted to chase my dreams. I just wanted to do something for myself for once. Don’t get me wrong, doing things for yourself is so important… But I feel like we should also be aligned with something else… The eternal family. So, I came to the conclusion that I really needed to work on dating and preparing myself for the possibility of marriage. Cuz I have completely sucked at it.  I say possibility, because we never really know when that could happen. But rather.. Making the expression of faith and working towards it… I think that’s what’s important. It’s just that this experience really changed my perspective on how I am living my life. We aren’t supposed to be waiting until the perfect circumstances in our life to then decide to start dating with marriage in mind. I wanted to be graduated, have my own place, and have a great job before I ever wanted to take dating seriously. But now I don’t. I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I actually have a real desire to get married. Dang it I want my freakin’ wife! And have cute babies with cute little socks! And.. I know I want a temple marriage SO bad. And there is a quote from Elder Holland that he quoted from someone else. I believe he said, “Love is the experiences you go through together.” And how beautiful that it! We don’t have to be completely “ready” but rather.. Be willing to work together to create something great and fall deeper and deeper in love along the way as we align our goals with Christ.

You know what, it’s hard.  It sure won’t be easy. There are times when you have to say goodbye to a situation because it is not in line with your goals. It hurts. Because, yes, you could have had  a relationship with them.. But it isn’t the right one to get to where you want to go. Another thing that’s hard is when you actually really like someone.. And it doesn’t work out. That’s  the worst. That’s something you could have easily avoided living your non-commitment life. But there is beauty in that! We all know the saying from The Fault in Our Stars, “Pain demands to be felt.” Yes it does. But so does happiness. You will have to get through that pain of putting yourself out there to get to the happiness. Just as much as pain demands to be felt, so does happiness. So, the next time you are shut down… Have yourself a good cry… Then have yourself a good smile… Cuz somewhere down the road… sometime… That’s what will happen next.

Be brave. We are all sinners. We all have experience trials that have left us hopeless. We have to believe that someone will come along and see through all of that… See through the  into our beautiful light that we all have.. Make us want to be a better person. Make us want to take them to the temple and love the living crap out of them for the rest of your life… You have to believe it… You have to trust in it…. You have to reach for it… Because if not… Then what’s the point?

YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HAPPY. So never stop searching until you find it.

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