The Day I Tried to End My Life

The Day I Tried to End My Life

You know, there are people out there who sometimes contemplate ending their life. It’s a ridiculous thought, but we are human and it’s one of the  powers we have. However, there are those who have stared it right in the face. They have experienced the bitter taste of just the last step until their final breath. I am one of those people. I was at the edge of that cliff.

First, I would like to apologize to every single one of you reading this. My friends, family, and strangers alike. Because this is the first time you have all heard this. All except my mom, which I will have told by the time this post goes up. I hope you understand, because honestly… It’s embarrassing. That’s the reason I kept it hidden for so long. But… It shouldn’t be embarrassing.  I understand it may very well be shocking, considering the intensely happy and enthusiastic personality I have. However, there was a time when my smiles were much more fake than anything. But… I rarely smiled anymore during this time. But something  saved my life the day I stared down  the edge of the cliff. The same cliff in the picture on this article. But First, I would like to tell you  how I got to  that point.

I’m not  going  to go into details, because we would be here all day. I will give you an idea of  what I went through. You see, my parents had recently divorced. But it wasn’t a clean divorce. No, it was more of the father leaving everything, and taking everything  on one random Summer day without warning kind of divorce. Leaving us with nothing. In the past, my Father was my hero. My favorite line in a Yellowcard song was, “Father, I will always be that same boy that stood by the sea, and watched you tower over me. Now I’m older I want to be the same as you.” That was what I wanted. To be like him. And then all at once I wanted to be nothing like him. I didn’t want anything to do with him.

A little later I had my first girlfriend towards the end of high school. This relationship bloomed right around the time I was dealing with all of these issues with the divorce. A little over a year we broke up. I put so much of my identity in that relationship, because it helped me get me through a very hard time in my life. I  held onto it so tightly. So irrationally. It was the only thing that made sense to me, and I was sure it would never end. I was sure I found someone who would never leave. Then, all of a sudden, the only thing my young mind thought would last, ended…. in a terrible way.  I reached a level of brokenness that I never previously believed possible. I was alive, but I felt dead.

So, fast forward to the edge of the cliff I found myself on at dusk as summer was changing to fall. I stood there for a really long time…. wind blowing.  I stood there and let the tears run down. I felt so alone up there. I felt like nothing would ever get better. As I looked down I saw peace waiting for me… Or what I believed to be peace. I believed  I could just avoid living, because that was the only way I could make this all go away. My mortality seemed to be the only thing I could control. So then I close my eyes and lifted my foot to take the step off at the edge of the cliff and prepared to end the turmoil that refused to leave my tortured soul.

But then…. I heard music. Music.  A sweet melody of peace that enveloped my body with a love that I have never experienced. My body became weak and I fell backwards onto the ground, crying and crying. It was a song my mom  would play in the kitchen on repeat after my dad left, while she would cook.  Starting All Over Again by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. Please listen to it, and read the lyrics. After which, proceed to the bottom  of the lyrics to hear the end of this story.

Starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, we’re going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going be tough
On us, we gotta face it

We lost what we had
That what hurt us so bad
Set us back a thousand years
But we going to make it up
Though I know it’s going to be tough
To erase the hurt and fears

Starting all over again is going to be hard
But I pray to the Lord to help us make it
Starting all over again is going to slow
But we both know, we gonna make it

We gotta take life as it comes
Never fuss about it, what’s right or wrong
It’s an uphill climb, to the finish line
We gonna try, we gonna try, just one more time

We gotta take life as it comes
Don’t make any fuss about it, what’s right or wrong
We gonna make it up, though I know it’s gonna be rough
To erase the hurt and fears

Starting all over again is going to be rough
For us, we’re going to make it
Starting all over as friends is going be tough
On us, we gotta face it

It was at that moment I realized that there are so many people out there who love and care about me. For  goodness sakes, my mom was there the whole time.  My Father in heaven was carrying me the WHOLE time. I just couldn’t see it.  My brothers would have  been there for me in an instant if I would have just reached out. What a selfish thing that would be to give my family one more thing to mourn about. I couldn’t just end my life. I gotta keep trying just like everyone else.

I had previously quit playing guitar, but after that experience I picked it up again. Every week I would hike back up to those cliffs, but this time it was for a different reason. I began writing songs. I wanted to one day make other people happy with my music. I wanted someone who is going through a storm like I did, to just  see a little sunshine when I played my music. I wanted to save lives with music, because music saved mine.This is why I started writing music and singing. I didn’t want anyone to feel how I felt, because I knew how insanely horrible it is. How crippling it is. This is why, (if you’ve ever heard me play), my songs are all very light and happy. I dabble in the melancholy occasionally, but I choose not dwell there. If I can give just one person the tiniest glimpse of happiness with my music, then I know I will have succeeded with my goal. I never really cared much for becoming a big musician, frankly I never believed I would ever reach that caliber. But I knew I could make a difference. Although, I would be lying if it wasn’t a secret dream of mine to go around playing music for people at festivals, and eventually playing with Jack Johnson at the Kokua festival in Hawaii.  (Still gotta dream right?)

See, If you are living life for yourself, you are living it wrong. I was depressed and contemplating suicide because I was completely focused on myself and what I thought I needed. Life is supposed to be hard, but it doesn’t have to bring us that low. Take what life brings you. Reach out to our father in heaven for peace. Don’t be  afraid to seek professional help. Cry in bed all day if you need to. It’s healthy, and it will make you feel better. But when tomorrow comes, get out of bed and do something good. Fight the sadness with charity.  The pure love of Christ. And if it doesn’t work, KEEP DOING IT.  Love others as God loves us. You never know who may need you…. Even if you  see a smile on their  face.

So here’s to you!!!!! The one suffering. The one who can’t get out of their mind. The person who only sees darkness. Please, keep going. I know it sucks. Let it suck. One day you will get through it, I promise. I promise from the bottom of my soul that one day you will see the light. I can’t promise you that it will be soon, but I promise you that it will happen and  it will be worth it. The darkness will not prevail. The darkness CANNOT prevail. Even if you  don’t know how you will ever get  out of the darkness… fear not! GOD DOES. He knows that there is someone out there waiting to bring happiness to them. Someone who needs your smile in just a moments  glance. Someone waiting for  a friend. Someone waiting for a person to  just talk to them. Someone who needs you as their parent one day. Someone who has lost all hope. Someone who just needs you to be around long enough to  get to them.

Don’t you quit. You keep going. You keep trying.  Never stop….  Never stop.

I would like to share one  of  my songs with you. I pray that it may lighten up your day if it has began to darken. I hope if you are going through a hard time, that I can  give you the tiniest reason to try one more day. Thank you so much for allowing me to write to you with  my  last 3 weeks here before I leave. Thank you for sharing my words with others so I can live my dream of blessing other’s lives.

P.S. I know you probably had someone in mind while reading this, if it wasn’t yourself. Please SHARE this with someone if you believe it  will help them in any way, with a little message of your personal testimony of hope and peace. Together, we will save lives. It all starts with love.

And thank you, Iz, for  saving my life. RIP bruddah.

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“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.” –Robin Williams


To Be Alone

To Be Alone

When I first decided to serve a mission, I found being single to be really really easy. Easier than ever. I mean, I didn’t need anything to work out because I’d be gone for two years.  However, after a while it has all weighed down on me. I have been single for 6 years… And I will be single for two more without any dating AT ALL. Loneliness is something we all deal with, and you know what? It  sucks, and it’s okay to admit that.

To be honest, you know what I want? I wish I had someone special with me. I wish I had someone out there writing me while I’m away, cheering me on. Someone missing me, and wishing for the time to go by faster. I almost did have that. At least, I’d like to hope I almost had that.

You see, not too long ago I met a very special girl who took  my breath away. One of those really special girls that only comes around once in a blue moon. A little part of me thought this was it. I still didn’t know her too well, but I felt like she might be the right kind of girl to stick with it while I’m away. To grow with in this journey that I need to take. To have that fairy-tale story we all want. I also felt selfish for wanting that. To make someone go through that. But honestly, I really wanted it. However, it was not written in my future. I guess It just didn’t seem to be the  right time.

You see, I haven’t talked to this individual in a while. She still may be that one I’m meant for. Our paths may cross again. But… they might not. And that’s alright.  I mean, sure it may be want I really want right now. But it also might not be what  I’m meant for. I would like more than  anything to randomly see a call or text from her, but I need to keep pushing forward in doing what I know is right. Trusting in The Lord, and focusing on my mission.

If she isn’t going to be my future wife, I know she is still out there. Somewhere out there there is a very special girl. The most special. Staring at her ceiling in the night wishing I’d find her. Praying on her knees with tears coming down her eyes asking our Father in heaven where I am.

So, to you my future  wife, I have something to say:

Stay strong, my love. Right now, you may not know me. Right now you may not know if you  will ever find me, but you will. I just have some things I need to take care of  first. Keep your faith. I know it gets hard in the dark, but you have the light inside  you to stay on the true path that will one day lead you into in my arms.  I will do everything I am able to find you. I will do everything I am able to be the man that you need. Right now, I am just not him yet. I do not yet know what it means to love unconditionally, but I will find out as I give myself to the Lord. Every day I will strive to be better man so I may one day live up to the kind of person I need to be to call myself your man. I am no where near perfect, and I know you will not care if  I am. However, I will keep striving to that goal. Please, whatever you do, don’t feel alone. I know the days will get harder and harder without me, but I know you can do it. Even though I am not  yet with  you, our father in heaven will always be there with you. He will be holding your  hand until he is  ready to give it to me. Then, and only then, will I be ready to love you forever.

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