I fell to my knees as I said my prayer aloud. Suddenly I was frightened beyond anything I have previously experienced. A certain darkness consumed me. No words could come from my mouth, and I could not move. The only movement were the tears falling from my eyes. Darkness…. I felt darkness.

I think it’s generally accepted in our society to put our best foot forward in life. To show the more glamorous part of our lives. I mean, let’s be honest, who wants to go around posting everything negative in life on social media? I suppose there are a select  few who choose to live in such a way. The greater majority would much rather be praised for our new job promotion, recent engagement, or even a mission call. It makes us feel good. However, life isn’t like that all the time, is it?

I have never been in the frame of mind to say, “wow, I really hate life.” No, it’s just not in my personality.  However, there are times in my life where I think the conditions aren’t very favorable to my expected levels of comfort.  More recently, this has been the case. I do try my best to stay happy, but all I want to do is hide from the world.

You see, not to mention the financial atrocities I must remedy before I leave for Taiwan, I am still without a job to satisfy those. It’s kind of difficult to find a job that wants to hire you for a couple of months. You could say the ending of my last job was at the worst possible time. However, if I’m being honest with myself, I really haven’t been trying to the best of my abilities to find new employment. You see, I have fallen to a certain degree of depression. I find myself curling up and watching Netflix all day. I have really gotten down on myself, and it has hindered my abilities to keep moving the direction I need to go.  All I seem to do is think of everything that is going  wrong, but I don’t do anything about it.

Other things that aren’t going well? I sleep in an unfinished basement that is absolutely freezing. However, I am truly blessed that I don’t have to pay rent for it.  Other money issues keep popping up all over the place. I have never been tempted this much in my entire life, that’s for darn sure. My friend jokingly said, “When you decide to go on a mission, women will come out of the woodwork.” He wasn’t kidding. Excuse me? Where were all of you when I wasn’t going on a mission? I have faced every single temptation I am weakest to during this process.  There is a lot that has gone wrong, and I am really down about it. You would think the path to being a missionary would be a happy yellow brick road lined with daisy’s and gumdrops. Quite the opposite, really…. But that’s fine.

You may be wondering what I meant at the beginning of this post. It was an experience I had Christmas night after I arrived home from my family. I read my scriptures that night happier than ever, and then knelt down to pray. I won’t go into great detail with what happened, but I will say that I have never felt such a dark presence in my life. I have never been more terrified. This got me thinking…. I should REJOICE that everything is going wrong. I should REJOICE that this dark presence came to me. I should REJOICE that I have been tempted now more than in my entire life.  Why? Because this is just proof that I am doing what I am supposed to. The devil would not be trying so hard to get in my way if I wasn’t doing what is right.  I have never doubted myself more in my life, but I have also not believed in myself more in my life. I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out, but I have a freakin’ ton of faith. Like, for real. I have quite a reckless amount of  faith.  All I have to do now is get off my lazy butt and push forward. I know I will end up on my mission, I just don’t know how I’ll get there. I don’t know how everything will work out, but it will. Let’s be honest, I have the best person to have on your side. As long as I am doing my part, The Lord will do his.

I have good friends that believe in me, and have been a great support.  I have had great support even from non-member friends. Here’s some of my weird friends.

IMG_1143              IMG_1190

 

I would like to end with a quote from  my favorite conference talk of all time called, “The Hope of God’s Light” by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

“The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come.

Remember you can follow me on Instagram Here

If you want to contact me directly email jhulon16@gmail.com

If you want to  follow this blog click on the three lines at the top right of your screen. It will bring down a window where you can follow the journey.  If you are  on a phone you will see the word “follow” at the top of the screen.

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “And Then Darkness Fell

  1. I love your outlook and your faith. Thanks for this post. Wanted to pass on an idea about work: Try a temp agency. I worked as a temp for years on my summers off from college and pretty much all you have to do is show up on time and not be a jerk and you are a star and they will love your forever. All kinds of skills needed. Maybe not glamorous, but definitely a way to earn some cash. (Sign up for more than one for the most opportunities.)

    Like

  2. The adversary will try to convince you not to go. I know from personal experience. I promise you that it will be an awesome experience if you allow the Lord to be your guide. It’s hard, yes, but oh so rewarding!!!

    Like

  3. Interesting post. My daughter has been on the mission field for a little bit over a month. She is a good girl with strong morals raised in a strong LDS family. Yet, when she had her final interviews before submitting her mission papers both her bishop and stake president told her that she would be from that day on an easy target of the adversary. When she told me that she was kind of scared and a bit skeptical. I thought that this was an ordinary out the manual warning, something said because they had to. Oh boy, wasn’t I wrong? From the very moment she got her calling EVERYTHNG, I say EVERYTHING happened. I was so frustrated to see the pain, the temptation, the temptation to waste her time on silly entertainments. The WORST period of her life and mine. Prayers, fasting, bishop counseling helped her go through the preparation time. But now she is doing wonderful! Do not give up, do not give in. It’s real but it will be wonderful after this time. It will all pass.

    Like

  4. YOU have to allow the light in. YOU have to do things to make the light enter your life. Invite the light! Right now you are doing things that will not let the light in-you are doing things to let the darkness in & allow the adversary to control you. Ask Heavenly Father to give you the strength to get out of bed,and be productive and proactive on your mission. Ask Him for one specific thing per prayer. And do your part. The first thing is to get your passport/visa taken care of asap! They are all being delayed. So get on it, you can do it, find your motivation. I will pray for you.

    Like

  5. You are right Elder, Satan is trying his best to stop you from saving souls in Taiwan, because there is someone there waiting for you.
    It will work out. We had no idea how we were going to be able to send our son out to Brazil. Besides the monthly expense, all of the luggage and clothes necessary had us pretty stressed. But it all worked out.
    One more thing. You have no idea of the blessings that will come to your family from your service. We have experienced it first hand. It has been a huge blessing to us.
    Keep praying and stay strong Brother.
    Best,
    Tim Schulte

    Like

  6. Thanks so much for posting this at the time you did. I really needed to hear this. I’m also trying to get on my mission as well- I don’t know how it’ll happen but l know it’ll work out. Thanks for being the example I need in my life during this time for me.

    Like

  7. we all have these kind of trials, they come in different ways and at different times. I am 62, widowed, and lonely. My children are all grown with families of their own. I lost everything when my husband died 5 years ago. My 87 year old Mother took me in, or I would be homeless. My husband would always say, have faith things will work out. They do, but usually not the way we think they will. I have many dark and lonely times and it is hard to get out of those times. I haven’t given up and I will always keep trying because I know it will get better someday. God bless you in your trials, it will teach you and make you a better person.

    Like

  8. I agree with the temp agency recommendation. If you can’t find something in your immediate area, call around to surrounding areas you can get to. Just working as an administrative assistant (be able to type, use basic excel and Word, be professional on the phone) pays way better than nothing and better than Taco Bell. Plus I really enjoyed getting to know knew people. Once you’ve established yourself as a likable, productive people, you’ll have work pretty much every day. You already have the clothes 🙂 Look around online for a simple typing test and build up your speed for a few days while you wait for the interview. There are free classes online for learning some basic WORD skills you probably don’t know yet like mail merges and making mailing lists. It’ll take you a day to learn the skills. I’d be happy to help you with a resume.

    There are manual labor temp jobs, too. They’re hard work and pay less, but in your situation it could be a good thing–that activity actively fights against the depression and it’s still money. I’d encourage you to go with the people-interacting, higher-paying desk jobs if they’re available, though.

    Like

  9. Give me an address where I can send a small check! I love you honesty and openness! Have had some of these issues with our son’s. Those couple of months with each son has been some of the hardest! It doesn’t get easier! I would love to help in some small way! The Lord helps in mysterious ways! The Lord is always on your side!

    Like

  10. Hello!
    Just finishing my seminary lesson & found a link to your blog on the seminary Facebook page. I just wanted to say, you are needed there…MY DAUGHTER is serving in Taipei right now and is truly becoming even more amazing then she was & I happen to think she was stinking awesome!! She had an unusually super tough week last week BUT, this is what she wrote “So ya, if you’re still with me…this is a rough email. I am ok. I am actually great. Well I am going to put more faith than I ever have in the Lord. I am so so thankful that this is so so hard. There is no other way to grow into who He wants us to be. I am so so thankful.”
    Anyway, you are already being a missionary here by what you’re sharing…you’re just going to be in a different place.
    Best 🙂

    Like

  11. This is what we told our Son who had been down a very dark road of addiction. Then chose to serve a mission at age 23. He also went through some dark experiences. Think of how Satan had you in his fingertips, so that was easy for him. Now you have slipped out of his grasp and now he has to go back to work, harder than ever to being you down. He knows of the lives you will change for good and he wants to stop you. Depression is his greatest tool to accomplish that. A quote from a sister missionary with MS who just reported home on Sunday. “One month before the end of my mission I ended up in the hospital with fatigue from giving my all. I didn’t think I could finish my mission. But I told the Lord, If I put my feet on the floor will you help me to move them?” She served her whole mission, a full 18 months. Remember that quote each day when Satan is trying his hardest to keep you down. It will work out. Just put your feet on the ground.

    Like

  12. I absolutely love your blog. You are doing one of the hardest and greatest things you will ever do. Thanks so much for sharing this journey! You will be blessed beyond measure!

    My ward has sponsored outgoing missionaries who could not afford a mission on their own. Please, if you need financial help, go to your bishop and see what they can do to help or if they can find you a ward that can sponsor you.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s