I fell to my knees as I said my prayer aloud. Suddenly I was frightened beyond anything I have previously experienced. A certain darkness consumed me. No words could come from my mouth, and I could not move. The only movement were the tears falling from my eyes. Darkness…. I felt darkness.
I think it’s generally accepted in our society to put our best foot forward in life. To show the more glamorous part of our lives. I mean, let’s be honest, who wants to go around posting everything negative in life on social media? I suppose there are a select few who choose to live in such a way. The greater majority would much rather be praised for our new job promotion, recent engagement, or even a mission call. It makes us feel good. However, life isn’t like that all the time, is it?
I have never been in the frame of mind to say, “wow, I really hate life.” No, it’s just not in my personality. However, there are times in my life where I think the conditions aren’t very favorable to my expected levels of comfort. More recently, this has been the case. I do try my best to stay happy, but all I want to do is hide from the world.
You see, not to mention the financial atrocities I must remedy before I leave for Taiwan, I am still without a job to satisfy those. It’s kind of difficult to find a job that wants to hire you for a couple of months. You could say the ending of my last job was at the worst possible time. However, if I’m being honest with myself, I really haven’t been trying to the best of my abilities to find new employment. You see, I have fallen to a certain degree of depression. I find myself curling up and watching Netflix all day. I have really gotten down on myself, and it has hindered my abilities to keep moving the direction I need to go. All I seem to do is think of everything that is going wrong, but I don’t do anything about it.
Other things that aren’t going well? I sleep in an unfinished basement that is absolutely freezing. However, I am truly blessed that I don’t have to pay rent for it. Other money issues keep popping up all over the place. I have never been tempted this much in my entire life, that’s for darn sure. My friend jokingly said, “When you decide to go on a mission, women will come out of the woodwork.” He wasn’t kidding. Excuse me? Where were all of you when I wasn’t going on a mission? I have faced every single temptation I am weakest to during this process. There is a lot that has gone wrong, and I am really down about it. You would think the path to being a missionary would be a happy yellow brick road lined with daisy’s and gumdrops. Quite the opposite, really…. But that’s fine.
You may be wondering what I meant at the beginning of this post. It was an experience I had Christmas night after I arrived home from my family. I read my scriptures that night happier than ever, and then knelt down to pray. I won’t go into great detail with what happened, but I will say that I have never felt such a dark presence in my life. I have never been more terrified. This got me thinking…. I should REJOICE that everything is going wrong. I should REJOICE that this dark presence came to me. I should REJOICE that I have been tempted now more than in my entire life. Why? Because this is just proof that I am doing what I am supposed to. The devil would not be trying so hard to get in my way if I wasn’t doing what is right. I have never doubted myself more in my life, but I have also not believed in myself more in my life. I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out, but I have a freakin’ ton of faith. Like, for real. I have quite a reckless amount of faith. All I have to do now is get off my lazy butt and push forward. I know I will end up on my mission, I just don’t know how I’ll get there. I don’t know how everything will work out, but it will. Let’s be honest, I have the best person to have on your side. As long as I am doing my part, The Lord will do his.
I have good friends that believe in me, and have been a great support. I have had great support even from non-member friends. Here’s some of my weird friends.
I would like to end with a quote from my favorite conference talk of all time called, “The Hope of God’s Light” by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
“The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come.“
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